1. Prevent defensiveness: Defensiveness blocks all the things you need the other person to do -- listen to your views, see the benefits of change, trust your role in helping him get better, commit to change.  When someone gets defensive, the game's over, at least for that session.  Keeping the conversation focused on the benefits of change is the best strategy for preventing defensiveness.

   2. Protect self-esteem: This will increase the likelihood that the other person will process information with an open mind.

• Avoid sarcasm and derogatory comments.
• Avoid phrasing the criticism as a right-or-wrong issue.
• Give him a chance to develop a future, not just account for the past.

   3. Get him involved: People become more receptive to your opinions when they can freely express their own, so don't filibuster.  Getting the other person talking keeps him involved in the moment and helps your determine if he understands your message.  It also prevents his "defensive daydreaming," those moments when he looks like he's listening but is actually preparing his counterattack.

   4. Acknowledge  strengths: Openly acknowledging a person's strengths will:

• Highlight what the person is doing right.
  
• Allow you to perceive him in a more positive manner.
  
• Keep anger and disappointment in check.
  
• Convey that you're aware of and appreciate his efforts.

     Stressing strengths will allow the other person to conclude, "I'm doing some things well and can improve on  others."  Adding your offer to help him improve will increase the likelihood of changed behavior and performance.

     5. Understand your own role: When managers talk to someone about performance, the message is usually, "You have a problem and it's your job to fix it."  The tone is that of an ultimatum: "Change or else."  To make a difficult conversation go well, the initiator has to take responsibility for its success.  Show you are more interested in helping the other person do well in future assignments than you are in flogging him for past transgressions.  He may be accountable for improvement, but you are responsible for the success of the "difficult conversation."

     6. Coach with questions: Asking questions helps the other person discover solutions for himself.  When someone comes up with his own solutions, he feels more competent and in control.

     7. Have a follow-up plan: A follow-up plan shows that your initial expressions of wanting to help were more than a pep talk.  If the other person begins to believe you are committed to helping, he will look forward to your feedback as expressions of that help.