• Focus on the future.
• Dwell on the task.
• Clarify the benefits.
• Think of options.

   Focus on the future, not the past. This is difficult for most managers.  When something goes wrong, our sense of justice calls for blame and reprimands.  But dwelling on what went wrong focuses attention on the past -- which won't change -- instead of what must happen in the future, where change is still possible.

   If the path toward learning and changed behavior is indeed in the future, we need to know exactly what we want that future to be.  Unfortunately, it's easier to describe what we don't want than to articulate in any detail the actions and results we do want.

   What's worse, seeking accountability for past actions will interfere with the very learning we are trying to encourage.  If our objective is changed behavior and improved performance, we must put aside our need for retribution and concentrate on the future.

    Dwell on the task, not the person's "flaws." People don't like to be on trial.  Power and authority lurk in any judgment, even when the verdict is positive.  When it's negative, people become even more resistant to accusations and implicit threats of punishment.  Here are a few opening lines that work well, or at least well enough to help reduce defensiveness and keep the conversation going:

   • "Here's why I'm troubled by what's happening."  Follow this by suggesting specific actions or behaviors that would be mutually beneficial, emphasis on "mutually."

   • "I think I see your reasons for......, but here's the problem that it is causing."  This lets you describe the consequences of the target behaviors.

   • "I have a problem and need your help in solving it."  This approach signals a shared responsibility and invests you in the solution.

   All three examples isolate the behaviors as the problem, not the people themselves.  To maintain this distinction, be wary of questions that begin with "Why?"  It sounds too accusatory.  Similarly, don't use closed-ended questions that can be answered with "Yes" or "No;" they encourage defensiveness.  Instead, ask open-ended questions that invite explanations:

     • "What worked and didn't work as you neared the project deadline yesterday?"  This lets you raise a sensitive subject in terms of actions and results, not motives and character.

   You can't reshape someone's character, but you can modify his behavior.  People will respond more readily to your change initiatives if they trust that, despite your concerns about their performance, you like them personally.  Building this trust means avoiding character assassinations.

   Clarify the benefits. People won't change just because you want them to; they will change only when they want to, so sensitive conversations should move quickly toward the likely benefits of change.  To do that you must have them clearly in mind before you initiate the exchange. 

   Think of how you would handle a touchy subject with your boss.  You wouldn't confront her with a problem and demand an immediate solution: "Here's the mess; you clean it up."  Good sense dictates a more helpful approach: "Here's a problem I have, and here are three solutions that might work."

     Use that same strategy with colleagues.  Show them the consequences of their actions and then quickly suggest a few practical ways to change behaviors, changes that have direct benefits to all involved.  If your objective is modified behavior, identifying and selling the benefits of change is an essential first step.

   Thinks of options. If all you want from the conversation is the chance to find blame, options aren't very important.  But if you want the other person to perform better, you need to help him fashion a strategy for change.  Smart leaders bring potential strategies to the conversation.

   Don't be afraid to be part of the solution, but don't promise what you can't deliver.  Your first promise might be to help draft some options, followed by a discussion about how to proceed.  Be careful not to cross that line between offering assistance and adopting the problem as your own.  You can share responsibility and still hold someone accountable for his action.

Trailheads

The Power of Positive Criticism by Hendrie Weisinger.  Amacom, 2000.

Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.  Viking Penguin, 1999.